but its not that easy
Quicksand- Britney Spears







i saw him again since the last time that i only told Kelly. i hate how he can never seem to go away. i love Erik one hundred percent, so why am i still hung up every time i see him? i guess its like a smoker. once you've had one cigarette, then even once you get addicted and then quit, you'll always want one.

HE JUST DRIVES ME MAD! i get so sick of how confused he makes me. i wish i could just... let him go finally.

i honestly hate Alan, for doing this to me.





EDIT-EDIT-EDIT-EDIT-EDIT-EDIT





AGAIN! AGAINNNNN! i swear. he must be stalking me or something. i saw him once more and it was hell. he tried to kiss me, the last time he tried to kiss me i ended up in his arms and then his bed! but i told him no. i stopped him, and it hurt. alot =[ i ran away, again. im getting sick of running. i ran all the way to main in retrospect. i went home to Erik, but it hurt to talk to him. because i love him, but i wanted to kiss alan. i felt dirty,. i want Alan, isn't that unfaithful? i feel unfaithful. i dont run to my mom, i never do. but i ran to my sister, i need her right now.
so im away from home right now.



im in main, USA[duh] with my mom, sister, and my moms boyfriend. his name is todd or tom or t-something anyway. hes snide and a dickhead. hes overly religious like mom. i assume she told him that im gay because he spent all of dinner staring down his nose at me. it really started to grate on my nerves.



Megan came out to whenever i got here. it wasn't a planned thing. mom kept on and on about this girl down the road that would look oh so good with me and i finally got so upset about it that i told her off. i told her shes known im gay and she has. ive been gay since i met Alan. i was bi briefly when i still thought i like my ex camerons sister. but since I've been gay, and i told her! and she wont get it through her head... well anyway, i told her that shes known, and Megan stood up and yelled at mom,
'stop it, mum! hes gay, so stopped being a half-assed mom and respect him for who he is! im gay mom! im a lesbian! i was dating Tiffany, do you still love me?! i would fucking hope so, so leave it be!' i was so proud of her........
mom however wasn't.



mom cried. she tried to hide it, and ran off to her room, and then megan cried and i was sad but then Ive been so stressed and mom and all this i started crying too and we just all sat and cried, mum in her room and us in Megan's.


im so stressed because of this Alan thing, hes tearing me apart like this, and i didn't cry this time, where i usually do...... but i still ran away. i always run away.

i really am a coward.

i dont handle stress well, i never have. but its gotten worse since Alan left me and i had to go to rehab and what. im on edge and this has to settle down or i might fall.......
and no one know quite how far you'll fall until you do.






since i never really updated on my med situation, ill say now that i am still off all medications.





thanks to those who put up with this drivel. im sure if you read through all of this you must care for me so, really, thank you. i love you all.





poetry will probably be darker than usual for a while.